Would you sink or swim?

so here it goes..

I have come to the realization that my life is not my own. I owe my entire existence to a God up in the sky who I have never seen. I should know him though or at least that's what everyone says. How? Honestly, I don't know. I have asked the teachers wise and old and they all send me back with the same tired sentences and phrases. "Talk to him..." they say "and he will reveal himself to you"Now, you see, the idea of talking to yourself well to him I suppose sounds a little silly. I used to pray a lot but I wonder if I prayed because I knew him or because I feared HeWhoShallNotBeNamed and his Death Eaters. My prayers were like a child's bargain. I promised to be a good girl and in return, I asked that he get me all the good things in life and let's not forget protection. It didn't take all seven books and eight movies for you to know that Tom Riddle was a dangerous man. If that wasn't enough to scare you as a child then you obviously didn't know who Voldemort was. A genius evil villain who split his soul 7 ways and it took 7 books to kill him. As my life progressed things became unclear and the ideals i once stood by seemed so medieval. No longer did i aspire to be the perfect wife to make the perfect babies. Love seemed so trivial and boys didn't seem as attractive anymore.I had large perky boobs, masturbated often and i thought both my best friends were cute! What then was i supposed to do?My identity quavered and so did my faith.As i ran on with life questions filled my head. Surely it must be a sin! Should i be reading Fifty Shades of Grey and more so secretly wishing i was the girl story.If you already didn't see were this was going then let me spell it out for you.My faith shrank but still it remained tagging shakily behind me. I can't say I'm any better now. Like all relationships in my life, God has become like a seasonal college friend. He occasionally hits me up with that "You up?" text followed by the best five minutes of reminiscing about the good ol' days.I wish things could be different and it could be better but we all know that things can't always be rosy. How can I be close to a sovereign being when I can't talk to the person beside me? Facts right!

All things aside. It wouldn't matter anyway even if I was close to my brother because still I would be reminded that my life is not my own. I owe it to my mother who birthed me and my father from whose sperm fertilized the egg to form the zygote that later became me. If being involuntarily brought into this cruel world is not enough punishment then best believe they will remind you. With every breath in their body and every strength in their bones, you will be told that your existence was a product of them and them alone. You are nothing but their flesh and bones molded into one. Who would you be to dare question their authority and dominion? Your life...phew, your life does not belong to you. For every action and deed that you do from your birth and if you are lucky to their death will be dictated by them and them alone. I really love to write! Well, guess what too bad because mam wants you to be a lawyer. Forget Jerome and Tyler, they are not good enough but the Goodman’s second son John will do. He is going to be a doctor you know so I want you to invite him to dinner on Friday and whilst we are still on that topic I want you to remove that god damn hair. It makes you look like an imbecile.I didn't raise you to dress and act like a prostitute. Wipe that paint of your face. Are you saying that God is a fool? For Christ's sake, why the hell do you have a B? I tell you I have never seen anyone so dumb! All you know how to do is talk to boys and stay on that phone and make friends! What do you need friends for? All you need is God and your books. that's why your father left you because you are a disgrace. The sweet melodies that sing in my head. Family. The big F word.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me because you too are shackled by the chains of society. I don't even have to tell you that our lives do not belong to us for society raised us. Every uncle and aunt are clawing and prodding at you for their praise in making you the gem you are today. Diamonds are made from pressure right. You can’t choose who you want to love lest you disappoint Grandma Nellie and her old ways. Pull that skirt down or you might tempt someone to molest you. Honestly, can never understand how to please them or maybe that is the point. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to. I should be out there living and laughing but why then do I feel tied back. Why do I feel like they have tied a noose to my neck and an anchor to my leg? I'm drowning and I can't swim. How do you ask the person drowning you for a life jacket? But that doesn't matter anymore because I think i can see the beach in the distant. The sand glistening like a thousand pearls.My paradise.Its getting cold the water is filling up my nose. I can't breathe anymore. If I never see you again then know that I am sorry sorry.Know that i was a coward. Afraid to confront my inner and outer demons. I pray for strength in another life so maybe i can do what i have failed to do in this life.Before i go know that you should aspire to be happy. Do not be like me.

I'd rather sink than swim in the wrong direction.