Letters to my teenage self: The Pink Prison- Aged 13 1/4
To My little butterfly :
"Love me, love me
Say that you love me
Fool me, fool me
Oh, how you do me
Kiss me, kiss me
Say that you miss me
Tell me what I wanna hear
Tell me you love me.."-Justin Bieber (Love me) 😊
Daddy doesn't love you. Mommy ignores you . Your sisters loathe you. Your friends mock you. Sweet baby. The world hates you. So you crumble all your pain and bury it deep within. You can't smile. You can't laugh.You won't let yourself, because what if, right? What if you get used to being happy ? What if you let yourself love ? What if then, you have to watch your heart get ripped to tiny shreds by he who claimed to love you ?How will you deal with the betrayal then, the embarrassment and humiliation. Rejection. History repeating itself again and again. For how can you explicitly portray a feeling so deep as love when he is a stranger to you. How can you let another in your heart when all you know is pain. So you run. Run away from any signs of warmth and affection. Run, from the he or the she that might see through your glass wall. If there is one thing we both know to be true about people is that people don't truly love. They always leave. So you were right. Your heart was too fragile to be handed to the wolves.
So you narrowly escaped the dungeons of judgment and misogyny in that small little town.School in the big city. Set with determination , you were ready to storm the capital and finally be free of it all. You just wanted to fly. Who knew that you would be an outsider sitting on the outskirts looking in on all the cool city kids. The high class status and privilege you had previously enjoyed had been revoked and thrown right at your feet.The social class pyramid had entered the land of Topsy Turvey and was toppled on its head. No longer were you part of the elite.You were the scum. There is a saying in Shona that says "Mwana washe muranda kumwe".Invisible. That is what you became.A shadow grudgingly trailing behind the carcasses of others mistakes.
The echoes of laughter filled the hallways of the dormitory. Little groups and cliques howled and squealed in giggles of friendship. You stood alone.Watching.Uninvited to tea parties and shopping malls, left out of gossip sessions and discussions of the latest Kendra episode.So you did what you felt was right. Hate. You hated it all. Fashion. Boys.Movies. You name it. You blacked it all out, blacked them all out. So many groups, so many girls but you didn't fit anywhere. You didn't belong. Too poor to own the right things. Too rural to join the conversation.Mama could't afford. She had to pay your tuition. She had to provide for the family.She spent the last family dollar getting your hair braided so you could fit in and not feel left out in the rich mans city at a white mans school . Endless opportunities they said. Exposure.All true. But also Decapitation of the ethnic identity. Hate corrupts even the purest souls but love. Love is what we all crave for deep inside. So naturally, from behind the masks, past the walls and buried deep in all the shadows, the little girl just wanted to be loved. Daddy didn't love her. Mama ignored her. Her sisters loathed her. The world mocked her but she still just wanted to be loved. If not from her family then from who? At least she didn't sell her body right.Well. Maybe.Not. Just.Quite.Yet. What can we say? Little confused black girl all alone in a rich mans world at a white mans school. The odds are not in her favor.
I don't blame you. I just want you to know that. You and i aren't all that different. Hated by the world, 'loved' by all we know but never really having anyone, you know the whole Disney villain thing going on.I know you are wondering if we get a redemption story or a happy ending or anything really right? Well, i hate to be the bearer of good news. Did i say good news ? Yikes! You know i'm joking right ? At least i kept our terrible sense of humor. There is no happy ending for you and me. No prince in shining armor.And No, your Wattpad fantasy of marrying Roc Royal from Mindless Behavior didn't come true. Matter of fact last i heard he was in jail. You sure know how to pick em. Oh, and MB broke up, re-grouped, re-branded and all that. Confusing right? I know. I totally didn't see that one coming. I cried bucket loads for you because i know that means something to you. Anyway, where was i? Oh yes -The happy ending. No crazy love story. No fame. YOU ARE NOT SKINNY. I know you were really hoping for that one. Bottom line-You SUCK.
You really tried though. Despite your short comings you really had some hope for us. Chidochashe -World Class skinny Forensic Pathologist.Biggest baddest Bitch. Such high hopes. I'll give you a quick rundown of events.You are a bitch. Just a different kind. I don't know if that entirely a good thing or not. We are,however, en-route to becoming a World Class Engineer. We are just taking it one math test at a time. As for love, girl, that a whole disaster story for another day courtesy of the 17 year old you. I have so much i have to tell you but in the mean time hang in there. Love will find you soon. I promise. And for Christs sake stop looking at those stupid magazines. You are beautiful.Inside and Out.
"Mama told me not to waste my life,
She said spread your wings my little butterfly
Don't let what they say keep you up at night,
And they can't detain you'
Cause wings are made to fly
And we don't let nobody bring us down
No matter what you say it won't hurt me
Don't matter if I fall from the sky
These wings are made to fly" -Little Mix(Wings)
P.S I'll write again soon but don't take my word for it
Love always Mindless Behaviors #1 fan