midnight strolls are romantic right?

"I prefer it that way" he said with a sullen look on his face.I didn't dare disagree lest i tempt him into a rage filled drunken stupor. Like the lady my father groomed me to be, I obediently nodded graciously in his direction. "A man ought to be respected, a man is always right, that is the ways of our people and it is your role to fulfill that position my daughter" he always said and he downed his fifth glass of single malt whiskey"A woman is only good for food and for sex, be sure to remember that! Don't want you getting any other ideas. Your loyalty is to me your father and to your husband."

So what did i know except that which i was taught? Midnight strolls were supposed to be so sweet and romantic in this era of the twenty first century man. I was flattered. A young attractive brother had surpassed my expectations of the normal college student and had insisted on a midnight walk in the historic downtown area of my college town. I was thrilled to the bones. How could this insanely charming guy choose me ? Me ? The dorky nerd who spends way to much time in the library reading encyclopedias and exploring reference sections for fun. It felt like i was living in my own romantic comedy. This had to be what my mom was talking about when she told me that i would meet my one true love in college. Love! Just the sound of it made my heart skip a beat in the most cheesiest way and believe me when i say i am not a hopeless romantic. So you can imagine my surprise when a warm unfamiliar feeling crept from deep within my gut and made me feel all weak in the knees. Butterfly knots?I thought that was just something people made up in romance novels. I guessed wrong. I was truly smitten. I don't think I need to take you through all the various little steps and meltdowns that occurred prior to this 'magical' date. I am going to go with a hunch and trust my gut which says you have watched just about enough Hallmark movies to know exactly what i went through. What shall i wear? What shall i say ? etc you get the whole gist. So, naturally the big day arrived and might i add that i was all over the place but he didn't seem to care. I learnt he was a football and a basketball player at a nearby college and that he wanted to be a vet when he grew up. Looking back at that moment , I often wonder if all this was true? He was the perfect gentleman but i should have known. I should have seen the signs. Why didn't i see the signs? They say, we pick someone who closely resembles our parents. So how then did i not see the monster that lay beneath the mask ?

Oh friend, there is so much that i don't tell you

When all is said and done, i blame me, because maybe just maybe i led him to believe that it was okay. That it was okay for him to claim parts of me for himself. I blame me. I blame me for not taking care of myself and getting sick later on that week. I blame me for being so tired that i failed to get out of bed to go to my college health center and having to resort to him. I blame me, for staying silent as he ripped pieces of me to shreds piece by piece but mostly i blame me, for just lying there as his manhood pounded and punched through every inch deep inside me. I should have known. I should have known. I should have just known. The details of that night remain overcast like a distant bad dream. I can hardly tell if its all imagined in my head or if it is a pathetic story somebody told me about the poor wimpy girl who didn't scream. Honestly i don't know. I couldn't tell you with absolute clarity if the two doses of "cold" medicine that he gave me that made me feel all woozy was something that my brain cooked up or if indeed all along he was telling the truth and i simply asked for it. I can't seem to remember how i went from sharing jokes to having my face slammed hard down on my purple pillow. I must have asked for it because the girl i thought i was would have screamed. She would have fought for the survival of both of us. She would have fought for our dignity. So which do i believe you may ask ? And my answer to that is i don't believe either because for as long as i don't think about it then it didn't happen. I don't understand something though. Why am i completely numb? I feel nothing. Absolutely. Fucking. Nothing. I am more worried and concerned that i failed to keep the covenant between my father, my future husband and God. After all they are the ones who own me right ?

So friend,

I don't want to live!

but i don't want to die either

you understand that don't you ?

i just don't want to live,

not like this anyway,

not when i can't feel

Love always,

Your Strong Friend