"Why can't it be like that"

He held me so tenderly in a soft embrace, his warm breath clinging to the hairs on my neck.I thought i might collapse from the scent of his aftershave. His fingers lightly grazed the fullness of my cheeks as he lifted my chin up to an enchanting gaze.A god in the flesh.Soft gentle touches. Delicate embraces. Passionate lingering kisses. If this wasn't love then what was? I was lucky. Blessed if you may call it that. A perfect union. One truly for the books and yet, still that it wasn't enough. At least not for him. I wasn't enough.

I was lucky. Yes. You just, well, you just settled. Little black girl didn't turn out to be quite as exotic as you hoped. You signed up for freaky freaky and instead you got geeky me. "Gang bang ? " you asked me, i looked confused but you thought i was just playing cute. You pushed. I stopped you.You kicked. I screamed. You violated. I let you. I was lucky.

"I love you, you know that right ?"

"You belong to me "

"I'll never leave you"

"No one else will ever love you like me"

"No one else understands you like i do "

"Just do this for me, you love me right ?"

"I just need you right now! i'm sure they don't mind if you cancel"

"People will see!"

"You didn't really think we were like together like that did you? but you cant be with no body but me "

"i see myself being with you in the future"

"Wait for me "

and so i did

it seemed like days passed. Months. Years even . Time blurred altogether. We were moving so fast and going nowhere. I was tired. I couldn't do it.

So i asked you to come

So i asked you to come in hopes that you would heal me

but maybe i was wrong in thinking you could save me

forgive me for loving you the way i did

a little overboard i know

I swear i wasn't obsessed

i just got the picture all wrong

i thought that if i loved you then maybe i'd feel complete

it was selfish i know and for that i'm sorry

i just needed love

or like

or anything

i needed someone. Anyone.

to be someone's favorite. to come first

i damn near killed myself thinking i wasn't good enough

wasn't pretty enough to be seen around you

so like a dirty secret you stuffed and hid me

ashamed of what the world might say

little black girl wasn't pretty enough

so you did what you knew best

you cut me up real good, packaged me and stored me away

a flower left in the dark.

Sure enough life gave you nasty surprises, i was there

waiting

waiting for you

waiting

you stopped watering me

my petals dried

wilted

and died

i couldn't take the pain

the loneliness

the grief

the sadness

regret

i let you

so i asked you to come

so i didn't have to pretend to laugh

to be alive

when i wanted to die inside

i asked you to come

but i wasn't enough:

just your dirty little secret

i was overthinking it

how could i be sad ? you said

i was lucky

i got to be with you

i was lucky

so i overdosed

not on drugs

not on alcohol

but on you

i let you kill me .