to the boy i love -signed yours truly

There is nothing more insulting than a half felt apology guided under the false pretense of kindness. This is no such thing.You owed me nothing but the understanding that you will be nothing but honest with me. I would love to believe that this partnership was built on the mutual feeling of disdain for normalcy. I cared not about your personal problems and as it remains could very much not be bothered to attend your child's birthday party but at the very least you were assured that when it mattered most i'd be there. A trusted aid. A 'friend' of sorts, though the word 'Friend' doesn't quite describe us for you know that i could not stand to be around you or anyone for much longer than necessary.

Nonetheless, that changed, I now feel myself being pulled by an overbearing force to remain constant, a somewhat hovering presence in your life.

I look forward to seeing your face. I look forward to seeing you. You. I can't even write this. Does this even make sense? I know it doesn't to me. Have i ever told you that I like the way you cover your mouth when you are smiling? Your shy grin! that's what i call it. It makes the light in your eyes sparkle.

"You have light brown eyes" I once said to you, to which you scowled and playfully pulled a face.

I never had to try when i was around you. I just was, i know it sounds weird coming from me but its the truth and we owe each other that. I felt alive, like i was being reborn,a phoenix rising from the ashes. You awoke the child in me,and taught me what it felt to be happy again.

"You're so silly and immature Rinna!" someone said to me. Perhaps he said it as a insult and meant to offend me but i was surprised! Amazed even. How had i gone from being sad, angry and depressed to being an immature + silly child? Can an old snake really shed its skin? I was happy. Truly. I began to believe that there was something better for me out there. Hope. Maybe even love. I was floating on air, surrounded by the energy of your presence, everything seemed possible. Then it happened. What i always feared would happen. You left.

Like a bad dream, i came crashing down in a spiral. Where was that peace, love and hope you promised? Where was my happy ever after? Just as fast as I loved you, you were gone, like a sweet dream.An after taste. A faint memory still remains of what used to be.Us. My heart yearns for what was but how is it that i am supposed to fill this void? I truly believe that there is none quite like you! Our banter was unimaginable, perfect, everyone could see it. It spoke of love. It spoke of peace. It spoke of happiness. They saw it. I saw it. We were. Soulmates. Kindred spirits. But i assume maybe i was mistaken and that was not the case.Love does not always prevail. Love does not triumph over anything. Love simply isn't enough.

A partnership. That is all it was meant to be.What didn't you understand about that?

You told me i deserved to be loved , that i deserved the world and yet you still left. You left. You left me. I'm not mad at you believe me, though it may sound that way, I'm mad at myself for letting myself see. I'm mad at myself for making myself believe. Mostly, I'm mad at myself for letting you go. i don't want your apology and I don't need an explanation. I just need you to hear me out.

So as I say goodbye, I try to see the bigger picture but still fall short, i guess all i can say is " Good bye, sweet friend ! I love you, Always and forever"