this letter is for you

I don't quite know how to form these words yet.Though I have been meaning to write them to you for a long time now, i simply do not have the courage. I want to remain strong.For you.Because,what would you do without me?Your backbone. Your friend. The short answer is easy, its the long answer that scares me.No, friend,you could probably go on to unattainable heights without me but still you choose not to. Instead, you choose to keep me close, rooted as a permanent extra in your story. Maybe then, you really needed me.Maybe then, you really weren't taking advantage of me.Maybe then you really valued my presence as a gift from a friend to a hurting soul. I did not anticipate that my time with you was an exchange, a service that you were entitled to receive and me to give freely. To think that the affection i thought you reciprocated was just a means to an end. Currency. Because if you said you were hurt, needing comfort, and were alone I would stay. So why did you say it? You didn't have to.

"I'll always be there for you"

"You know how much i care about you"

"I'm here.For.You."

Here.For.Me.????For me? Surely you couldn't have meant that? Because I've been here. Begging. Screaming. Dying for a piece of your attention. My cries turn silent as soon as they touch your ears yet you dismiss then carelessly. My tears mean nothing to you because i'm exaggerating and obviously i can't be feeling this way because i'm strong. I must be faking it because i was laughing with you earlier at a brunch because how can i feel alone when i have you! I have you? I'm lucky ladies and gentleman, i have you! An egoistical, self absorbed son of a bi*ch but yes sure i have you. When this disease wins and draws me deep into the cassavas of hell, write on my tombstone that "i had you' let it be known to the world that i died crying in the shadows holding a sign to you that said "save me". Because when the dark comes for me friend, of which it will soon, I'll be drowning by then. Sinking in the depths of my misery, choking on my pleas for help and finally i'll be drowned by the weight of your pains and your sorrows.After-all what are friends for!